It feels like I'm constantly trying to catch up with time these days. There's simply too little time to think; There will always be something that is due, or that needs attention, that prevents me from doing what I really want. Its not totally because of judo. Its just this period when everything seems to whiz past you and its all a blur.

Many things done, yet nothing memorable. It gets tiring, really.

I want to stop and look at the other side of the world, as my friend puts it. The side without all the fooling around, the lame jokes and the crapping around my friends. Sometimes I ask myself: "Is there anything else that holds my friendships together besides that?"

If you take all the jokes and crap away, what is left? What really holds us together?

Up to this day, I'm still searching for an answer...

I get the feeling that almost everyone around my age has gone through or is going through some kind of problems, so much so that it affects their emotions, their work, etc. I just don't understand why there is a general sense of "indifference" in me towards the problems of others and myself.

I don't feel overly sympethetic to sad and troubled friends. I don't feel immense joy at my own successes. I don't feel burning anger because injustice is displayed in one way or another. I don't show much friendliness towards others except for those that I am close to. I don't have the urge to try and mediate conflicts between two individuals. I feel I am always going: "Oh... really?" and then I go "Oh.. okay."

Deep down, I understand the feelings of those people who feel sad or angry or whatever.

I want to help. I really care.

But sometimes its a thin line that seperates caring from being nosey. I don't want others to feel that I'm just being "ba1 gua4". I don't want others to think that I'm just rubbing it into their wound when they're feeling depressed.

In the end, I just appear to be indifferent. Like I don't care.

Now Listening to: Scar Tissue
By: RHCP